Well, this morning I was listening to my portable XM Radio, and I remembered that I’d saved a couple of O&A shows from the past. One of them was when Jay Mohr was on the show. But that’s not important here.
What is important is that it made me think of his famous Christopher Walken story. You may have heard it before. It goes a little something like this.
Jay Mohr and Christopher Walken were on the set of Suicide Kings. Jay’s dog was on set, and Walken noticed it didn’t have a tail. Apparently he went on and on about how great it would be for an actor if humans had tails, as tails can be so expressive, indicating different kinds of emotion. He went on so much, that Jay Mohr asked “If you could either have a tail or the gift of flight, which would you pick?”
Without thinking for a second, Walken answered “A tail.”
Now that got me thinking. If I could pick a part of an animal to add to myself, what would I pick? It certainly wouldn’t be a tail, since I’m not an actor and sit at my desk most of the day writing code and designing stuff. The tail would just be an annoyance, and would most likely make sitting uncomfortable.
But now that I think about it, one of the things that REALLY bothers me in life is when someone keeps asking “Are you okay?” for no good reason. If I had a tail, I could just wag my tail stupidly, and no one would ask if I was okay. That is, presuming that you could wag your tail without really being happy, and that brings up an entirely different set of questions. Can animals fake happiness? Is tail wagging involuntary or voluntary? If it’s involuntary, could you just sway back and forth enough to make your tail wag so you could fool people?
Where was I?
Oh yeah. So I’m not going to take the tail thing. What would I take?
I’ve got it: I’d like to have chamelion skin. Then I could easily just hide places and blend in, so I could do serious spy stuff.
Wait, that won’t work. Because then I’d have to be naked all the time. That wouldn’t be worth it. Because that way you’d always have to have your clothes around so you can get dressed and leave after you’ve done your spy duty. And if you’re eavesdropping on some international terrorists, I don’t know if they’d be comfortable sharing their secrets in a room that’s empty other than a pair of khakis, boxers, and a tee shirt. That may make them suspicious.
Also, just like the tail thing, it would depend on whether or not the color changing process was voluntary or involuntary. I imagine it would freak people out if you just changed colors all the time. Imagine sitting next to someone on a plane, talking to them, and all of a sudden you only see their clothes. That may be a homeland security issue.
Okay, so what else?
I guess I’m boring, but I think I would take the ability to fly. I really would enjoy that. It’s much better than a tail.
So, what would you pick?