tellhimfred.com

I’m going to warn you: you probably don’t want to read this post. I just wrote whatever came to mind.

Edit: When you read below, you may be tempted to think of this as the rant of a crazy man in a very dark place. It’s not. It’s also not something you’ll usually find on this blog, and I don’t plan on writing like this often. I’ve never really been able to do stream-of-consciousness writing. It just seems too forced to me. But for some reason, I just started writing without any kind of subject or idea. So I’m going to post it.

I am going to avoid any kind of train of thought here and just stick to a conversation.

It usually takes an extreme event that changes your comfortable everyday rituals and routines to have the ability to step back and re-examine where you are and where you’re going in the plane of life. Of course, that’s just what I’ve thought; I can’t speak for anyone else on something as intimate and personal as a perception of reality. But once in a while, I can surprise myself and take stock of my life on an uneventful, ordinary Thursday afternoon seconds before leaving work.

But anyway, I’m usually too consumed by the minute-to-minute minutiae to be able to examine the moment as something that is part of a string. I think about a meeting I have to go to, and prepare for that. I wonder what’s going to be brought up, if there’s anything I need to bring, need to do, have prepared. What am I going to be asked and what answer can I provide that will make others perceive me to be savvy, smart, organized and perceptive.

In the rare instances when I can think even one step beyond the intial responses of the moment, it is just that: one step. If my planning for said moment results in whatever I’ve defined as success, there will be a new set of opportunities. More respect. More responsiblity, etc.

First I focus on the immediate. Then the possible outcomes. What’s happening now and what could happen afterwards. And that’s about where my perspective would stop on a daily basis.

But once in a while I can step back and see a broader group of concentric cirlcles, and when I do so, the thought process is lightning fast. Milliseconds of connections that simultaneously are complicated and basic. At a superficial level, it’s something like…

Okay, so you’re worried about a meeting and what could happen. You’re thinking about your job. What do you get out of your job and why do you do it? Do you only do it because you need to pay rent and buy food? Or do you do it because it’s something you enjoy? Are you doing it for a sense of accomplishment? Respect? Are you challenged? Do you get a sense that your job is your main source of identity? When someone asks: What do you do? Are you proud of your answer? Or are you ashamed? Or do you play it off as if it’s just a job and what you really want to do is X?

And if so, what is X? If asked the common “what would you do if you won the lottery?” What would you do? And would that actually make you happy? And do you think that if all your financial obligations immediately disappeared, would you feel relieved, or would you feel anxious knowing that you’ll now need to find a new challenge? Would just lazing around without worry be a good thing, or would it make you feel empty and unfulfilled?

What is your ultimate goal? Why do you do anything you do? Is it all based on other people’s opinions of you? In twenty years, will you look back at yourself today and be proud, or will you shake your head in disgust at all the obvious opportunities that are passing you by right this second?

If, after you’ve paid your rent and bills, you have something left over, what are you going to do with it? And why? Are the things you buy for function or to enhance your image? If you had the ability to completely control everyone’s opinion of you, who would you be? The cool guy? The funny guy? The strong guy? The creative guy? The nice guy? the clever guy? The smart guy? The guy people can trust? The guy everyone wants to be friends with, but can’t get close to? What qualities are most important to you?

In this limited time on the planet you have, are you going to spend it doing those things you define as right, worthwhile, and important? Or are you going to spend it like a found hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk?

Do you have any actual talents? Is there anything that you do that could inspire people? To do what? When people say “I want to make the world a better place than I found it,” they’re basing that on the belief that there’s a subjective “Good”, making “better” a possibility. But is that true? If someone donates money to build a homeless shelter, you would think of that as a good thing….unless you talk to the people living in the neighborhood where it’s built. It’s entirely an issue of perspective.

And when you hit the post button in a minute, what are you hoping to prove? Do you want people to read what you write? Why? When you look at your stats, is that just a measure of vanity, or are you looking for validation? Are you trying to justify the time you spend on your sites?

or are you just hoping that somehow something will happen? Something unexpected and undefined.

Just a thought. Time to go home.