tellhimfred.com

Dear Miller Lite,

I’m writing to you because I love your product in the most appropriate and non-alcoholic way*. And because of that, I would love to sell out to the Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, WI.

You see, Miller Lite, I am a blogger, which is a word that means “Someone who writes to a global audience on the internet.” In fairness, a second definition would be “a delusional anonymous recluse with a remarkably high and unrealistic self-valuation, who maintains a web site visited mainly by friends, family, and the occasional comment spam bot trying to push online casinos and something called mesothelioma assistance.” I prefer the first definition, as I am not one for value judgments.

There are many reasons why I have a lasting respect and adoration for the Miller Lite brand. The most superficial of which is your devil-may-care attitude with regards to your name: Miller LITE. While the other beer companies complied with the establishment and sold their own “light” beers, did you follow along like a drunken lemming? NO! That’s not in your nature Miller Lite. It’s just not you. Instead, you put a creative twist on the naming convention, taking advantage of verbal name recognition while keeping your name free from conformity. LITE. So similar, yet so different.

Allow me to give you another reason why I enjoy your product so very much: versatility. While most beers are simply produced for consumption, Miller Lite has an alternate use that is unique among beers. Miller Lite is the best beer to use for cooking.

I say that from experience. I have used many different beers while marinating, but Miller Lite stands out. For some reason, the perfect amount of carbonation is found in only one bottle, and I think you know which one I’m talking about. Using Miller Lite with both steak and chicken, the flavor of spices I use are uniquely absorbed with the aid of those magic bubbles. I have the pictures to prove it.

Of course, the best part of Miller Lite is the taste. No beer is better when hanging out with a large group of friends, having fun, and being cool (or, alternately, sitting in the dark, alone, in your basement apartment maintaining your blog).

With that, Miller Lite, I would like to offer my services in promoting your product. Between the thousands of people reading this blog, and the hundreds of people I see each day but do not speak to, I think I could be the perfect person to shill for you. As they say, the best salespeople are those who believe in the product. I am not afraid to show others just how much I enjoy Miller Lite, and would happily demonstrate my devotion at any time.

So, please feel free to contact me at any time to discuss our future together. I have lots of ideas (the Miller Lite cookbook for instance?), and would love to talk about them.

Yours,
N.B. (aka Barry Freed)

*That is not to say that I don’t enjoy the alcohol as well.