I was at a wedding in New Hampshire this weekend, and it was awesome. Never thought I’d say those words, but I mean it. I had a great time. It’s always great when you get a chance to meet up with friends you’ve lost touch with over the years. And getting to the hotel on Friday for a Sunday wedding (and taking monday off as well) makes it like a mini-vacation.
I wasn’t able to sleep worth a damn on both Saturday and Sunday nights. I think I got a total of 4 hours or so if you combine both nights. Stupid heartburn inducing pizza.
So when I got home yesterday, I went to bed at around 4pm. I woke up intermittently, but slept through the entire night. I am finally recharged, but damn did I have a weird dream.
It was a lot like “It’s a Wonderful Life” in some ways. I was talking to a guy who told me he was sending me back in time. He told me that my mission was to go back to make things right with every ex girlfriend I’ve ever had. The idea was not to get back together with them. And, none of what I said or did would impact the future me. The idea was to absolve myself of any guilt for anything I’ve ever done wrong.
Now, I kind of know why I had this dream. Kind of. I was talking to a good friend of mine over the weekend about how I came to the realization that I was kind of a scumbag back in college. I was remarking that some of things that I thought were cool to do back then were just kind of ass-ish to do. It’s almost as if I don’t think I’d be friends today with the person I was back then. Just a weird thing to realize and shake off, I suppose. So I guess that dream was a way to either a) make me blow off some negativity or b) make me realize that what’s done is done, and feeling bad about things in the past are kind of worthless.
What’s weird is that- as the dream went on, instead of doing or saying what I should have, I kept thinking “do you remember any lottery numbers? or anything you can bet on?” And I then realized that I was taking part in a live-action cliche, where in the end I was supposed to finally get the following through my thick skull: yeah, we have all done some stupid things, and you’ve probably done more than the average person. But the past is done, and just don’t be a dick anymore.
It’s always kind of amazing to me that perspective is really very limited. I always see the current me as the final version, though I know that’s not the case.
Wait, did I say that out loud?
7 responses so far ↓
1 Kristen // Aug 7, 2007 at 9:52 am
I agree, that was the best wedding I’ve been to. I am sad that it’s over…it was such an unexpectedly good time!
We’ve all done things in our past that hind site has allowed us to see the error in our ways. I recently read a quote that went something like this:
“We always remember the things we wish so hard to forget”…I know I completely butchered that quote so hopefully the author isn’t reading this…but I digress. The hardest part about moving on is forgiving ourselves for the past. I think its something we will struggle with forever…but you are right, we all move on and the best we can do is not to be a dick now.
Plus, that Simpson’s movie really blew and that probably added to your angst and promoted wild dreams to occur.
2 Jason // Aug 7, 2007 at 10:07 am
I don’t worry about repeating the past, since I am doomed to remember every unpleasant second of it. What bothers me (besides people using apostrophe’s to denote plural nouns) is running into someone from your past, when you WERE a dick, and then interacting with them, all the while knowing “This person thinks I’m a dick. This person thinks I’m a dick.” You always try too hard to prove to them that you’re not, and just end up looking like a tool box.
3 Beth // Aug 7, 2007 at 10:07 am
Ugh, I’ve recently figured out that I was an asshole in college, too. I would probably punch my college self if I had the chance.
Depressing.
4 KTina // Aug 7, 2007 at 4:37 pm
I had a similar experience. I recently spent a lot of time with a college friend and after the first few days though “god, he’s not a dick anymore!” It was great. Not that he was 100% asshole by any means, but there was a certain “holier than thou” attitude that suddenly dissapeared once outside of the University’s property. I think most people chill out, for the better, after school
5 Barry Freed // Aug 7, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Jason: you said it just right….that feeling of “hi. I know you don’t like me and shouldn’t, and this interaction is absolutely painful.” Dead on.
Beth: right on, but didn’t you think you were awesome in college? I hate the idea that we think we’re being great and nice, only to later realize…nope. A tool.
Ktina: Yeah, the fishbowl effect. As soon as you get outside you realize that you’re not such a hotshot, so you have to change.
Kristen: I can’t even believe how bad that was. Just awful. Such a giant disappointment. I need to watch something good to restore my faith in movies.
6 Ruth // Aug 7, 2007 at 7:18 pm
I like how you put this: “I always see the current me as the final version, though I know that’s not the case.”
So often I feel the same.
And at the same time, I so often feel this ‘well, next time around I’ll do *this* differently or *that* differently,’ as though I’ll get another shot at life. Weird.
7 KTina // Aug 8, 2007 at 12:36 am
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think Ralph has something here…
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