Last night I thought I was just going to stay in and take it easy. This weekend had been a particularly bad one for numerous reasons, but mostly because I had a tire explode and had very little sleep. But that’s another story for another time and place, so let’s not dwell. Moving right along.
I was planning on just staying in when I got a call from my friend Kristen. She was with her roommate at the Bruins game and was planning on going out to Sally O’Brien’s for a beer afterwards, and asked if I wanted to meet them out. It sounded like a great idea.
I’m sitting at the bar, drinking a UFO and talking to my friends when a girl approaches me. She was completely annihilated. Completely slurring her words. The girl was reasonably attractive, the kind of girl you hope to pick up at the dog track.
Anyway, she asks in her accent “Are you single?” (By accent, I’m referring to her drunken slurs). Before I could say a word, she looked over at Kristen and her roommate. Now, Kristen has a great ability to recognize a ridiculous situation, so she immediately starts shaking her head, indicating to the drunk woman that I was interested.
Now I immediately knew what was up. I’ve seen this in every used car dealership on the planet. Classic bait and switch. I can just sense it.
So, the girl goes into the following “I thought you might be single, I mean, you’re here with two girls, so I thought there was a chance. If you were here with one girl, I wouldn’t have bothered, but since there were two I thought I might be right. It’s just, are you looking to have some fun tonight?….”
My answer “by definition I enjoy fun.”
Now, listening to this out of context, you may think “Whoa! this is great.” But trust me. I knew what was coming.
She continued “because you’re the hottest guy in here and…..”
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
“and I have this friend that’s single. Do you want to meet her?”
I said “I don’t know. I mean..” I was struggling for words trying to be polite. I just wanted to get out of there.
“she’s not as wasted as me, I swear. Oh, I am so pissed because last weekend I went to the Harp and the bartender was so awful and I was there for 5 hours and spent like 80 dollars, but the guy was so bad I only gave him a five dollar tip, but since then there’s been a $70 charge pending on my card, which is like, not a big deal, but still, I’m just waiting to lose my shit if it goes through, like, you know? anyway, my friend is right over there and you can just tell me if you’re not interested. I mean, I’m totally cool like that. I’m just going to get her a drink, and if you’re not interested, just get up and go to the bathroom or something and I won’t say anything.”
O.M.F.G.
I told her that I really wanted to finish my beer first and that “I’m shy.” She didn’t buy it.
She then turned around and I saw the friend she was referring to. Bait and switch indeed.
I flashed the international sign for “let’s get out of here now” to Kristen and her roommate, took a gulp of my UFO, and by the time the girl and her friend got to the bar I was on my feet, coat on, and I turned to the girl and said “you have a good night, ok?”
And I was out.
True story.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Cutty // Nov 12, 2007 at 8:38 am
Why do women think that crap is going to work?
“Hi there, I’m only slighty attractive but I am going to use that to peak your interest so I can shove my uggo friend on you.”
“Ok then, I was only barely interested in you. Your friend can put her head back in the feed bag.”
“Ha ha, you’re so funny! Can I give her your number?”
“Yeah, its 911. Ask for Cutty, they know me there.”
2 Kristen // Nov 12, 2007 at 9:33 am
I’ve never encountered anything like this! If I had ever known about the “bait and switch” I wouldn’t have offered you up! LOL!! Sorry pal…The last time I was at Sally’s my friend Mads was propositioned for a three-some…coincidence?
3 Sarah // Nov 12, 2007 at 10:27 am
I feel like your head is getting too big for its britches. If your head actually, um, wore britches. That would be pretty funny.
Men complaining when unattractive women hit on them is so annoying. Just be glad anyone is hitting on you at all, jackass!
And I say this with much love. Heh.
4 Barry Freed // Nov 12, 2007 at 10:31 am
I knew this would come off all wrong. I don’t have a big head at all, and I’m not complaining that an unattractive woman hit on me. Not at all. The point of the story is that a completely hammered girl was trying to pull the bait and switch. It had nothing to do with her attractiveness, instead, I was pointing out the absolute absurdity of the situation.
I didn’t write this to complain. I just thought the entire situation was really, really strange. I have no complaint at all.
5 Cutty // Nov 12, 2007 at 10:58 am
Yeah, it’s not that getting hit on by unattractive women is bad, it’s that they use their cute friend instead of just coming over and saying hi themselves. Personally I think attitude has more to do with attractiveness than looks anyway.
But I still don’t like uggos, so sue me.
6 Jimmy Hoffa // Nov 12, 2007 at 12:22 pm
There’s also something so morbidly junior high about a drunk chick coming up to you in a bar and being like “my friend likes you”. You can almost see the follow up: “please check one (YES) or (NO).
Like, seriously.
7 Sarah // Nov 12, 2007 at 2:50 pm
I have ignited a firestorm of male defensiveness, hee!
I agree that getting a friend to ask you if you might be into their friend is lame (it’s lame when guys do it too), but maybe it’s because they are tired of being referred to as “uggos” and feel a little more confident pursuing it in a way that doesn’t require face-to-face rejection. Still lame, but hey at least she’s out there trying instead of just not saying anything and being forced to live life like Quasimodo, hiding up in her damn bell tower.
Since men are generally the ones doing the hitting on in bars, you should know more than anyone that it’s a situation fraught with peril…I say good on our ugly sister for at least giving it a shot. Sheesh.
(And I guess I read your post wrong at first. I guess I rolled my eyes a little at the way you said you took one look at the friend and had to turn tail and actually FLEE the premesis, as if her unattractiveness was at such an epic level that she was radiating some sort of Ugly Tractor Beam that you were hell bent on escaping.)
8 Barry Freed // Nov 12, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Well, I think my wording was wrong, which makes me deserving of your attacks, Sarah.
I did not mean to say that the looks of the friend was what made me flee the scene. Not at all. In fact, I didn’t even get a glimpse at what she looked like at all (other than the fact that she was very tall).
Instead, the issue here was the bait and switch. Even though the drunk girl asked me if I wanted to meet the friend and I delayed the intro, she still turned around and basically threw her friend toward the bar. I don’t care what her friend looked like, acted like, whatever…it was just an incredibly awkward situation.
And you know me….I am not the kind of guy that hits on girls at bars (or anywhere, really), so I absolutely understand the peril.
In fact, that’s the whole point. I didn’t want to meet her friend, and she was forcing the intro on me whether I liked it or not. NO THANKS!
9 Cutty // Nov 12, 2007 at 4:19 pm
There once was a girl name of uggo
Who’s friend pushed her off on a bloggo
When she stood in one place
Who can tell, ass or face?
Till she squatted on the ruggo.
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