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You know, I really can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party, or sporting event, or funeral, or bake sale, and the conversation swivels around to talk of intoxicants. Who’s done what, how much, when and where, what the favorites are, and the like, and it got me to thinkin’. Which is usually how I get into trouble in the first place, but hey - I’m not one for “learning”.

Remember back to junior high? Or even elementary school, when they started telling us “drugs’re bad, mmkay?” and showed us propaganda films on the level of “Reefer Madness”, showing dramatic reenactments of drug abuse and its horrific aftereffects? Yeah I do too, and of course, like you, I know now that nothing is that black-and-white.  Be nice if it were, but it’s not.

So back to that party scenario. See, if you’d have showed me back then the kind of people I’d be hanging out with now…all of us have tried various substances, some of us know people who’ve gone to rehab, some of us have BEEN in rehab, etc….I might have been the first person in history to stage an intervention on my future self. But now, today, right now…it doesn’t seem so bad.

And I’m going to do myself one better: I LIKED drugs. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called “college”. But I’m not going to look back and say “oh, Lawzy me, I can’t believe that I did such terrible things!” No, screw that. I enjoyed altering my brain and body chemistry, and in limited ways, I still do! What’s that?

Booze: Well, of course, we’re still using this today.  Nothing says “aaaaaaaaaahhhh” like coming home after a hard day of chasing paper around an office, popping the cap off a cold Sam Adams and plopping your fat ass on the couch. There are numerous variations in this, but you know how you like it. We’ll leave it at that.

Pot: Remember your first joint? Your first bong hit? Your first brownie? The first time you heard the helicopter noise before you fell down? I do. Time was, you didn’t need anything more entertaining than a bag of green and a couple of episodes of “Battlestar Galactica” to make your evening complete. And by “you” I mean “me”.

Acid: This was when I realized “holy crap, I’m on DRUGS!” Smoking grass, I never really felt like I was “on drugs” - just sneaking something naughty behind the barn. And yes, we did have a barn. But the first time I sat in the passenger seat of my best friend’s Firebird and put a square of paper on my tongue, some hamster wheel inside me started up and said “You’re on the drugs!” Looking back, acid sucked ass. I know plenty of people who enjoyed it, but it sucked. 12 hours of paranoia, not being able to trust your senses, and feeling like a dirty t-shirt. Yeah. ‘M’all set.

Mescaline: Like, woah. You tell me it’s not cool to sit in your friend’s parents’ empty house, in the living room, with all the lights off, listening to an Alan Parson’s Project album, and watching “Inside The Mind’s Eye” with the sound down, trying to find hidden meaning. On second thought, maybe keep that to yourself.

Opium: I had a really weird experience with opium. Me, my best friend, and my dad met and interacted with the dragon in the middle of the afternoon, sitting on my parents’ patio with my girlfriend, drinking lemonade and listening to music. It was a strange feeling - being clearheaded and pleasantly relaxed, but when you tried to talk, you sounded like you’d been on a two day bender. Obviously not something to get into a habit of, but you had to try it once.

Prescription meds: Ah, well. Everyone’s had these at one time or another. Broken jaw? Percocet. Anxiety disorder? Xanax. Bored? crush up some vicodin and snort it. Ahem. Better to avoid any long-term involvement with these guys; it is waaaay too much fun, and seems too “normal”; by the time you realize you’ve got a problem you might just be holding up a sign with your name on it for the flash photo in a concrete room…

Coke: Here we reach the pinnacle of the drug pyramid. Coke was fun. I challenge you to find more than one or two people who can say they tried it and didn’t LOVE it. Sigh. Euphoria, energy, loquaciousness, the feeling of invincibility…it’s all good. BUT…you have to leave it behind. This stuff is bad for you, and while it is a blast, it WILL kill you. Like, fast.

There are plenty of other substances out there, but this is my list. I never tried “E” - never had the opportunity to do with a girl - plenty of opportunities to do it with guy friends, but the last thing I wanted was to end up all blissed out and touching my buddy’s hair. Never injected anything. Never freebased anything. There was one occasion involving a hooker and me smoking crack against my will, but everyone who knew that story is dead now, and I see no reason to bring it up again.

So how about you guys? Any good drug stories?