So a while back, Jimmy and I were at a bar drinking and what have you with his girlfriend. As she was looking in her purse for some tranquilizers (Jimmy tends to get a bit worked up sometimes) I noticed she had a sticker in her bag. Before she could do anything I grabbed it out of her purse. This is the sticker:
This bothers me for a number of reasons.
1. Have you ever come face to face with a pig? I thought not. As I have mentioned, I was born and raised in the Mid-West. Pigs were an every day part of life out there and from my first hand experience I can tell you this; pigs are not your friends. They hate you. They want nothing to do with you unless you are filling up their trough with leftovers. More than that however is that they are mean. F’ing cartoons and stories like “Charlotte’s Web” and “Babe” continue the misconception that pigs are nice friendly animals that want to be around people. They do not.
When I was younger I had a few friends that lived out in the country on farms. We used to go out there and play paintball in the barns and fields and what have you. It was great, miles of open area, some ares filled with old cars and refrigerators to use as forts. One time we were at my friend Jeremy’s house playing in the dump. As we are going out, he says to us, “Don’t go over the fence on the right or my dad will get pissed.” We agreed as we didn’t want to anger the Vietnam Vet with post traumatic stress disorder. As we are running around, I saw Mark (our other friend) way on the other side of the dump running for cover. I had him, all I needed to do was get over there quickly. Of course the only way to do this is to dash across the fenced in area. You can guess what I did. At about the half-way mark, I heard a sound that was something along the lines of a dinosaur screaming through a bull-horn. I turn to see one of the biggest pigs I have ever seen tearing towards me like I was it’s last meal. People, to say I was terrified is the understatement of the century. I ran faster than I thought was possible to the other side of the fence and right as I was diving over, the pig caught up and grabbed on to my shoelaces pulling off my shoe. I get up and look at the pig who looks right at me, picks up my shoe and proceeds to tear it into tiny little bits. As I am standing there in shock, my friend Jeremy runs up and yells at me, “What did I say! You’re lucky that wasn’t your foot!” Pigs are friends my ass!
2. Pigs are delicious. Seriously, have you ever had pork? I am getting hungry just thinking about it. Whats more, pigs provide us with bacon. I really think that on the seventh day, God smiled down on his creation of man and said, ” You know what, I could be resting right now but I will bestow upon you my greatest gift. I give unto you the pork belly. Slice it up, fry it and go to town people!” I mean come on, what do they do with food thats just a little too boring? Wrap some bacon around it and it is perfection! Bacon wrapped scallops, bacon wrapped fillets. Shoot, wrap a tin can in bacon and I would probably eat it.
Take it from me, pigs are food.
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I’ve got to disagree with you here on point #2…I do not like pork of any type. To be honest sometimes I do eat bacon but it’s not something I crave or would order plain.
I also have this sticker from my vegetarian days. I have the whole series actually including a cute little chick that says “I’m not a nugget”. I have to tell you though, I LOVE chicken nuggets.
Meat is murder.
Tasty, tasty murder.
I don’t eat pork products of any type, however, I do carry a bacon wallet.
Let’s be clear Barry, you don’t eat anything at all. You survive on beer alone.
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