So I had to go to the courthouse for work today. I went over, did what I had to do, and was ready to leave. I call for a cab, and it shows up. It’s pouring rain outside, so I’m glad I don’t have to take the T. I jump in, and immediately the driver, a large, southern-sounding black man of about fifty or so, starts talking.
“welcome to my cab!”(imagine a thick southern black accent)
I say, “thanks, it’s nice to be here.”
“you enjoying this fiiine weather we havin?”
Cue two minutes of small talk about how it was 9 degrees last week, and now it’s 50 and it’s a good thing, because this would all be snow.
We hit Cambridge street, and everything changes.
“I’m lookin forward to a day when there is no poverty in the world.”
Cautiously, I offer “Yyyeah, that’d be a nice day.”
“I seen it! I had a tour, seen it with my own eyes. I remember the date, October the eleventh, 2017. Where Mass General Hospital is a museum, and the Boston Globe cost a dollar thirty five. They was no glass building at Mass General in 1992, but they is now! It’s the Big Dig. I come up for the Big Dig. I leave my house in Salem, NH, and I’m driving, and there’s stuff rolling around, and a book gets stuck under the accelerator, and I take my eyes off the road for a second to move it, and the car’s NOT MOVIN. I say, ˜how you do that, pretty clever”. And then there’s a man, tells me ˜why you drivin’ around that antique?” I say, this ain’t no antique, I bought this car five years ago, wrapped in plastic, had to sign a affidavit, sayin’ what was on the odometer. Bought it for 16,247.82. Paid it off in five months.” But the man say ˜I tell you what, I give you a million dollars for it right now.” I say ˜well then what am I gonna drive!?” He say, ˜hey a million dollars, you drive whatever you want!”. But I said, nah, I’m keepin’ my car.” Then I look and say ˜Hey, how are you talkin’ to me right now? I don’t got no CB radio?” and he say ˜you got a am/fm radio in your briefcase. I’m talkin’ to you on 87.7 on your FM dial.” And I say, “how the hell am I talkin’ to you? I don’t got no microphone?” and he say “I’m usin’ my microphone to transmit you. And I’m right above you.” And I say “what are you drivin?” he’s drivin’ a Cadillac, but it’s FLYING! But you gotta have a license for that. You can drive or you can fly, but you gotta get a license to fly. You get it at White House Jubilee University. They got one of those in Salem NH, on route 101. Anybody can get Jubilee status, you dial zero on your phone, give them your name and address, and tell em who’s in the white house, and you talk to the president, and you get White House permission to get Jubilee status, all your clothes, your food, everyone can get it. But you gotta follow the fifth commandment. Man take a wife, woman take a hubby, they lie down together and bear fruit.”
I sign the voucher and flee the cab.