tellhimfred.com

We’ve all been there. Someone in your social group has a new girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/etc. who is being introduced to the club. The first step? The disclaimer. And it goes a lil something like this:

Hey guys. I was thinking of bringing my new girlfriend to (insert gathering name here). I’d really love it if you’d all agree to the following terms and conditions before I bring her by:

1. please don’t mention any of my past or more recent poor choices. This item is not limited to choices in women, vices, hygiene or offensive speech.

2. please don’t mention any of my recent girlfriends, any of the nicknames we may have for them, or anything else related to them existing. Basically, it would be best if we just pretended I just landed on this planet.

3. please refrain from any stories involving drunken debauchery.

4. please do not discuss any story that may involve an unexpired statute of limitations.

5. pl ease be sure to discuss all of my many accomplishments and social works. This includes my various charitable giving (gave a kid a dime for “trick or treat for unicef”), my scholarly endeavors (DaVinci Code Book On Tape), and my love for the arts (Canadian Ballet). Please refer to all these virtues in the abstract, and abstain from giving details…..don’t want to seem like I’m bragging.

6. Bonus points: Try to get her to overhear you telling me how cool she is when she’s on her way back from the bathroom or something.

I believe this applies to all genders and situations. Please add your thoughts.