Something that we’ve been throwing back and forth on the forums the last couple of days, (sort of like the responsibility for driving the drunk chick home) is the topic of Public Transportation Etiquette. Now, the four of us live in the Boston area, but this little list of dos-and-don’ts applies to anyone who takes a train/bus/trolley in any city. Except New York. There, people know how to ride the subway. New York, hats off to you, you can go to recess early today. The rest of you will sit here and listen until you get it, and if that means you miss kickball, well then that’s just Too. Darn. Bad.
1. Do not stand in the doorway, or block access to the train for other riders at a crowded station. You’re a dick: get out of the way and let the other people who (gasp) ALSO live in this world and take the subway get on the train. You’re not special and you don’t have a platinum “get out of being a dick†free card. Move in.
2. Do not shove your fellow passengers. The doors will not close before you can get off the train. All will be allowed to leave. If you shove me, I will step on your toes the first time. If you shove me again, I will punch you in the neck. No court in the world would convict me of assault, and you bloody well know it. So stop shoving, old man, and wait your turn like the rest of us.
a. Sub-rosa addendum: if you’ve been sitting the whole time, the standing people are getting off before you. Stay in your goddamn seat you thoughtless turd, until the people who stayed on their feet so you could rest your precious bum have left.
3. If you’re carrying a huge mufuggin bag/suitcase/gunnysack full of dead rabbits, and you’re the last one to try to get into a packed-up train…wait for the next one. Do not use your bag as a battering-ram to try to pack people into the train like so much underwear into a carry-on bag. Unlike your filthy drawers, people do not like to be crammed together, and they also do not have skidmarks all up in them. Mostly.
4. Do not eat on the train. This is non-negotiable. I don’t care if you just got out of a Burmese prison and haven’t had anything but mashed-up roach paste and dirty river water for the last seven years: go to a restaurant, or a private alcove, or your bloody house, or a cardboard box on the side of the highway. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY wants to see you finger-shoveling leftover pasta into your face, chewing on this morning’s leftover bagel, or trying to surreptitiously eat chicken fries from a greasy bag. No eating. Done.
5. By this time, everyone and their grandmother has complained about loud cell-phone users on the T. There’s nothing new about this one. All I’m saying is be prepared for the irritated glares, the shout-coughs of “coughfuckyouhemhem†and the like. We don’t care about Pam and her ex boyfriend. We never will.
6. Finally, teenagers screaming at each other. We get it. You’re there. Give it a rest. Someday you’ll be old and have a headache riding home from work.
Anybody have some others to share?
5 responses so far ↓
1 Kristen // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Ohh, if only it were true that the doors will not close before you get off. This has happened to me mostly while I am filing through 30 extra large people towering over me refusing to move an inch for me to sneak off the freaking train. No, those doors don’t wait for everyone…so you might want to amend that one. I, myself, have been crushed more than once since moving here 7 years ago. Don’t bother yelling for the conductor to open them again…its no use and cranky people who prior to your missed departure couldn’t give a rat’s you know what about you now glare at you like you stomped on their prize winning puppy. This is why I’d like a permit to carry mace around.
2 Magglio // Mar 19, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Great list. I have a few additions.
7. No crop dusting. This is not negotiable. We all have to breath the same air.
8. If you sneeze/cough/spit up a little bit, not only should you cover your mouth but at least make an attempt to wipe it up before putting your hand back on the hand rail.
9. Do not read a newspaper when the train is crowded unless you’ve created ample room to open and turn pages.
10. Don’t talk to anyone wearing headphones. Everyone knows this rule.
3 Jimmy Hoffa // Mar 19, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Kristen: I am shocked and appalled . I will have to come up with some way to blend your concerns with the need to keep people from pushing. Something along the lines of “if you hear someone say “excuse me” then get the hell out of their way.”
Magglio: Good additions! I always cough into my book or into the crook of my arm so I don’t run the risk of putting germs on a public surface.
4 Roo // Mar 24, 2008 at 10:10 am
I’d like to add to your most excellent and thorough list an ENORMOUS peeve I have. Smoking on the T platform. uh, hel-LO?! Not only is smoking on the T platform illegal it is disgusting and annoying. One single cigarette can infect an entire T station. And I just know that stink is going to attach itself to my jacket and now I’M gonna reek. Eff you.
There were a couple of times on the green line I saw guys light up and I immediately said very matter-of-fact and non-confrontationally, “Uh, hey, you can’t smoke in the subway” and they just said, “oh, sorry” and put it out. No fuss, no muss. A few weeks ago, though, I see this chick light up on the Downtown X-ing orange line platform (on a weekday morning, mind you). I do my usual polite and direct “you can’t smoke…” She nods without looking at me and keeps smoking. I wait. I wait. Then I go and get a T “cop.” By the time we get back to her she’s put it out and says, “I put it out right away.” People baffle me.
Ok, one more thing, Jimmy, regarding eating on the T. I wish we could make the rules a little more nuanced, like, no eating food that smells and no eating food that requires a plate and fork. I know that there are times I’m coming to work from the gym and I must eat that banana or breakfast bar or I’ll pass out. I need the nutrients right then. And if the train isn’t very crowded, I don’t see the harm. On the other hand I’ve seen people eat full salads, even sushi, on the train and that just blows me away. I love sushi and I can’t understand why someone would want to eat theirs on the nasty T - grody to the max and I don’t want to see it.
But ok, all that said, it’s a sad fact of life that we cannot rely on people to use their best judgment regarding eating on the T because, not to put too fine a point on it, their best judgment sucks. So your rule will have to stand.
5 Jimmy Hoffa // Mar 25, 2008 at 9:38 am
You know, Roo - I gave this one a lot of thought, and came to the same conclusion you did. I can eat a breakfast bar in relative obscurity and not make a mess, but you’re right - I can’t say the same about Big Bertha taking up one seat per buttock. She can and will spew crumbs everywhere. So the rule must stand. Sucks for us.
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