tellhimfred.com

One of the things that everyone loves about the internet is the opportunity to become a know-it-all busybody. Wikipedians, how-to forum trolls, if you’ve spent any time on the web with a question, you know there’s some sweaty keyboard jockey out there who’s going to answer it with an undertone for you.

Movie notes are netflix’ way of allowing us to impose our saccharine will on fellow viewers. I’ve never watched a movie that someone recommended, or avoided one because of a pan, but it’s a self-indulgent way to be a part of the “I know stuff” community. Some personal favorites? WELL WHY NOT.

Sphere

Scientists act like morons, explore spaceship wreck. Murders ensue; notable lack of hilarity. Also missing: plot, viable acting, believable dialog, chemistry between characters, viewer enjoyment.

Dragonlance

Uh….yeah. Two words: Bad. News

The Wraith

Oh my sainted trousers, this movie is awful. There are almost no words, except “if you’re having an 80s party where the object is to laugh at hideous film wrecks, this is my #1 choice

The Illusionist

Ed Norton’s first suckfest. Wooden characters, awkward dialog, after-school-special plot complexity, and freaking JESSICA BIEL. She has all the talent of a potato weevil. Boo.

Pink Floyd: Inside Pink Floyd: A Critical Review 1975-1996

Painful and irritating as a bladder infection, this isn’t a documentary so much as it is 5 wankers spouting nonsense about the band, its music, etc. The people who made this should be ashamed.

Eavesdropper: Patient 14

A cheese fest with B-actors left over from Star Trek series. George Takei is the “big star”, but Q (remember Q from TNG?) is in it too. Lame script, crappy acting and little else. Do some laundry

Man of the Year

Meh. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a petit mal siezure. You’re like “woah” but it’s really just jittery, shaky, and doesn’t really do much in the end. Williams is mildly funny

S.W.A.T.

Roger Ebert is a frozen turd. This movie has all the excitement of a wheel of cheese and the character depth of the smash hit 1980s Atari 2600 game “Missile Command

Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

I, II and III are all trash. Visually interesting trash, sort of like fruit roll-up wrappers, but trash nonetheless. Watch this movie for the fight scene and the resulting wind-up into Episode IV.

The Dirty Dozen

The more movies I watch, the more I realize that World War 2 was one good time after another, and the more jealous I become of everyone who got to take part in it

The Break-Up

Unwatchable. Go vacuum or do laundry. Either one would be more interesting.

Sliding Doors

Ugh. I found myself wishing everyone in this movie dead. There is a scene with Gwyneth in a belly shirt that is worth watching. Mostly you’re better off watching the home shopping channel knife show

Fantastic Four

Worst. Movie. Ever. And I saw Ishtar and Leonard Part 6.

Hitch

Ugh. Go back to flying alien spaceships, Wil.