tellhimfred.com

Okay, a co-worker just sent me an email that blew my mind. See, his girlfriend’s mother sent him this forward, and it’s mind boggling in a multitude of ways. But before I write my analysis of the forward, let me present to you the dumbest email forward in recorded history.

Phases of Your Job…Or School

Phase 1

You are listening to Stevie Wonder.
(It’s your first day at work and all is fine and great)

Phase 2

You are listening to HOUSE music.
(After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore)

Phase 3

You are listening to Metal.
(This is what you feel like by the end of the month)

Phase 4

You are listening to Hip Hop.
(By month #2 You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)

Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP.
(After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine !!)

And Finally

Phase 6 kicks in

You are listening to Techno and are on several different prescribed meds
The truth - (This is how all employees  eventually end up)

——————————————————————————

Okay, now stop.

Question One: Why would anyone find this email funny?

Okay, let’s take a clinical approach to this steaming pile of angry horseshit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an email that has evoked this much unbridled rage in me. So I’m going to take a step back.

Let’s look at the title: Phases of your job… or school. Apparently this email should be a humorous look at the progression of the stages in your work/school life in a way that has universal appeal. As someone that has read the title, I’m expecting to walk away with a warm smile on my face after getting a new perspective on a shared experience.

But no.

No, no, no. This email forward just doesn’t make any sense! It attempts, through the clever use of animated cats, to associate a genre of music with each phase of the work/life life cycle.

First, whether in school or at a job, we are supposed to listen to Stevie Wonder. Notice that this is the only work phase when you are to be listening to a specific artist rather than a genre. Curious. Apparently we all believe that Stevie Wonder is a great representative of optimistic naivety.

After an unspecified amount of time, you’re extremely busy. Because of that, you’re listening to house music because you "don’t know if you’re coming or going." What does that even mean? You’re so busy that you are completely confused? If you’re that busy, why would you increase your stress level by listening to fast music?

By the end of the month, you’ve moved on to metal. There’s really no proper explanation as to why you’ve made the switch. The cats look like they’re really enjoying themselves, so I guess you’re now able to multitask while head banging.

By the second month, you’ve moved on to hip hop. The parenthetical sidenote tells us that "By month #2 You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation". So, by saying that, apparently there’s a causal link between being bloated, sluggish, and constipated and listening to gangsta hip hop.

After an unspecified time, you move on to gangsta rap. We’re told "(After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine !!)". So at this point, you’ve turned into a cliche spewing shit bag with poor motor control. Basically you’ve given up on life, and you are just walking through life without a purpose. But at least you have caffeine.

Finally, the punchline: "You are listening to Techno and are on several different prescribed meds. The truth- (This is how all employees eventually end up)."

Wait, what?

I mean, I was sitting in my chair, thinking "better strap in for this one. Here comes a fucking knee slapper" and they hit me with a sober, nihilistic indictment on the meaninglessness of modern life? They end with a dismissal of free will and a suggestion that we all will come to the same techno and prescription-laden fate? What a ripoff!

Question Two: Why would anyone actually make this?

After trying to come to terms with the existence of this email, I couldn’t help wonder: Why would anyone actually make this forward? I can’t possibly believe that anyone would find this funny, so I have two theories.

1. Aesthetics without purpose- Maybe there was an animated gif designer (the phonebook is filled with them) that went on a vision quest. He ate a bag full of shrooms, went out to the desert, and sought enlightenment. God appeared to him and told him to make 6 animated gifs featuring a variety of cats listening to different genres of music.

He followed god’s word, and made the gifs. Days later, while sober, he found the gifs and had no idea why he’d wasted his time. After trying to figure out what to do with them, he came to the conclusion that he should just write a witty forward based on those wacky felines.

Unfortunately the man’s only contact with the outside world was by watching sitcoms. And he was an idiot.

2. Subversive social experiment- Maybe there’s a cultural anthropologist out there that is using this forward as his PhD thesis. He thinks that we are in the twilight of American culture, and feels that people are so lifeless and numb that they simply pay no attention to anything they see. To test his theory, he created an email forward with moving cats and absolutely no value whatsoever. He felt that people would forward the email because they’d just open it, see something shiny, think "hey, look, cats. cats are funny and cute" and send it along to everyone they knew.

Okay, that’s it. I can’t think about this anymore. Am I just missing something, or is this awful in every way?