tellhimfred.com

This morning, as I was eating my bowl of whatever nutritious gerbil food my better half purchased this week, I watched some ill-advised SportsCenter, which I typically do only when there is time to be killed and I don’t feel like making the mental stretch to watch anything more taxing, like test patterns.

Of course, the coiffed heads behind the fancy desks are touting this World Series as one of the greatest to be played, and indeed this year as “perhaps the greatest sports year of all time.” Ha, whoa…slow your roll, there flaco.

First You have a Phillies-Tampa Bay world series. Who the fuck cares about Tampa fucking Bay? I mean, for real. Does anyone in the Tampa Bay area actually watch baseball? I was under the impression they were all making shady real estate deals, getting lap dances, or stealing wheelchairs for coke.  They’ve got the worst dome, arguably the worst stadium in baseball, and while yes, their team is talented, again….who the hell cares?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking - bitter Sox fan - and yes, I’m sad they didn’t make the Series. But Tampa beat us in a really tough series. They played well and they deserve it - I just don’t give a fuck about watching them play in the World Series.

As for 2008 being “the greatest sports year of all time”, with all due resp…actually, no, you guys at SportsCenter are a bunch of shills. No respect is due. Greatest sports year? What, because some lunatic swam really fast in the olympics and a horse managed to crush its own legs with its overbred body, that’s why? Oh please - the SUPER BOWL? The only reason you put that on the list is because the rest of the country has/had an irrational, stupid schoolyard-bully hatred of the Patriots - same way the dumb-to-average kids hate the smart ones for screwing up the bell curve. The NBA Finals? You…okay, those were pretty good. And I don’t like basketball. Hockey…uh yeah. Memo: hockey is dreadful.

I was at a hockey game on Monday. Hockey fans are the worst human beings I have met as a group. These are the people who, no matter what age they are, like to insult, harass and cause pain in others. They get excited at the sight of blood, they push people down stairs and laugh. They will step on your heels in a crowded corridor and shove you into the urinal while you’re taking a piss. These are small-minded, below-average thinkers who scream things like “STICK HIM IN THE EYE!” and mean it.

I’m telling you, if society ever relies on the moral and ethical sensibility of hockey fans somehow, I will be taking to the sea.

Golf. Golf is a pastime. There are those, like Tiger Tiger Woods y’all, who are very good at it. There are those like your boss, who are probably very very bad at it. But I don’t consider golf to be a factor in whether a given year is the greatest one for sports. It’d be like saying you had a great dinner party because your whimsical china was a big hit: you just wouldn’t say it because some hockey fan would beat the shit out of you.