tellhimfred.com

Boston.com, the militant online wing of the Globe, published their “50 Scariest Movies of all Time”, in the hit-grubbing tradition of Halloween. Being a sucker for lists, I had to click through each one of their picks and their comments, to get to their number one. I can only say that afterwards I felt roughly the same as when i accidentally watched ten minutes of Deion Sanders’ reality show. So now I’m going to share that same feeling of soil with you, dear Fredders. See the original article here, if you dare.

50. ‘Arachnophobia’ (1990)
This definitely goes on the list, at the time it was made it was freaky and well-acted, up to a point. There’s only so much horror you can squeeze out of Jeff Daniels.

49. ‘The Innocents’ (1961)
Never saw it.

48. ‘Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2′ (2000)
Come on. Blair Witch 1 was frightening as hell. This was a piece of follow-up trash, with some goth kids running around all crazy. Off my list.

47. ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ (1971)
Whoever wrote this list was a complete asshole.

46. ‘The Wicker Man’ (1973)
All I know is that the remake with Nicholas “I will put anything in my mouth for cash” Cage was the most dreadful waste of the five minutes it took me to realize this film was a waste of five minutes…ever.

45. ‘The Blob’ (1988)
Kevin Dillon’s mullet and the dreadful acting are the only things scary in this remake.

44. ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ (1968)
OK this, to me was one of the most horrifying movies of all time. The slow, burning lead-in to the real horror of this plot makes the last ten minutes one of the most disconcerting of all time. Great movie. Definitely makes my top 10.

43. ‘The Brood’ (1979)
Never saw it.

42. ‘Event Horizon’ (1997)
Perhaps it’s my love of the sci-fi genre, but to me, this is one of my favorite movies across all categories. The acting is great, for the most part. Sam Neill is a little wooden, but I like to think that’s his character in the film. The sci-fi plot is impeccable, the special effects are good 10 years + later, and the horror aspect, combined with the isolation of deep space makes this a real knuckle-buster. You do have to pay attention to the plot, so don’t try impressing some chick who says “I love horror movies!” with this one. She’ll fall asleep. Every time.

41. ‘Dawn of the Dead’ (2004)
Fuck yeah. The remake is good, the original was good. Jake Weber plays a slightly more believable human than David Emge did in the original and they took a new direction with the characters in the remake. Still, the campy aspect does slightly detract from the scariness.

40. ‘Eraserhead’ (1977)
I am ashamed of myself that I have never seen this film.

39. ‘Amityville Horror’ (1978)
Crazy-ass Margot Kidder, Hairy-ass James Brolin, and a “based on a true story”-ass plot, the bare bones tech of the 1970s, and the lack of any need for special effects make this a pretty chilling story. Brolin does way better at getting loco that Ryan Reynolds, who should stick to being Ryan Reynolds in every movie he’s in.

38. ‘Pet Sematary’ (1989)
No, sorry. This film does not stand up to the test of time. It was scary in ’89, not so much in ’99, and now even less so. Lurch made me laugh.

37. ‘Open Water’ (2003)
This was a fucked up film. Purely psychological horror, and purely messed up. Definitely makes my top ten scariest.

36. ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ (1984)
Not sure that this one stands up either, though the original was definitely the most chilling of all the franchise. Freddy was menacing, not cartoony at all, and the concept of killing people in their dreams was so new that it caught us all sleeping. All the stupid sequels choked most of the legitimacy out of the original, though.

35. ‘The Fly’ (1986)
Scary? I don’t know…Brundlefly got under your skin and made you go ewwwwww! The fact that he was a normal dude who you sympathized with, who you then had to start thinking of as the killer was pretty messed up. Object lesson – always check your teleportation booths.

34. ‘Salem’s Lot’ (1979)
Didn’t see it.

33. ‘Gates of Hell’ (1980)
Or this. Apparently an Italian film with bad dubbing. Questionable.

32. ‘Session 9′ (2001)
Best sleeper title on this list. Indie-type film made locally in Mass, about a group of asbestos-abatement workers who go into an old mental hospital that is…get this…HAUNTED. Despite the questionable plot, this is mature, spooky, psychologically disturbing, startling, nauseating, and oddly terrifying.

31. ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ (1994)
GHEY

30. ‘Altered States’ (1980)
Messed up. William Hurt is such an understated actor, he always brings this weird, below-the surface thing to his roles. In Altered States, below the surface of this character is nothing but “WHACKO”. He experiments with powerful hallucinogens and isolation tanks to try to tap into the primordial lizard brain in man. He succeeds. What takes place is…unique in its messed-up-edness.

29. ‘Mothman Prophecies’ (2002)
Possibly #1 on my scary movie list. Another movie you have to WATCH…if you can accept Richard Gere as an actor, you can love this film. Dark, terrifying, and based on a seriously true story. This film still has me freaking out when I think about it too much.

28. ‘The Mist’ (2007)
Are you serious? Thomas Jane? Thanks for re-ruining “The Punisher” for me, though.

27. ‘Videodrome’ (1983)
Gritty, dirty, intense and really weird. Cronenberg totally messes with your head. James Woods couldn’t have been more perfect for this character, and Debbie Harry should have been in more films.

26. ‘Seven’ (1995)
Try to forget the seventy-three times you’ve seen this on cable and think about the first time you saw it, hopefully in the theater. Wasn’t this the most creeped out you’d been in a long time? I was totally drawn in to the story and felt the whole time like I was covered in a thin layer of slime. Loved it, but not entirely sure it’s horror. Not sure that it’s not, either. Just sayin’.

25. ‘War of the Worlds’ (1953)
As Alex Trebeck would say “No, sorry.”

24. ‘Saw’ (2004)
This one I’d put on the list. After this, they kind of just made the same movie over and over. But at the time, this was THE movie to watch and jump three feet off the couch with. Great concept, which, like Nightmare on Elm Street, got doused by the puke hose of Hollywood.

23. ‘Janghwa, Hongryeon (A Tale of Two Sisters)’ (2003)
Japanese movies are always good for a few spots. If you’ve seen this I will give you a nickel.

22. ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ (1991)
This film stands the test of time like no other. I put this in the same category as “Seven” – unsure about whether to call it horror, but definitely creeped me the eff out.

21. ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (1974)
The genre-breaker in gore porn. This movie taught us that it’s okay to max out on evisceration, mangling and death by massive trauma.  The most basic fear, beyond that of being forced to watch “Snake Eyes” and “Lord of War” back to back, that many of us have is of violent death, and this movie shoves it in yo’ face. Still worth a watch after lo, these many years.

OK, the top 20. These better be good.

20. ‘Hellraiser’ (1987)
Being a huge fan of Clive Barker’s books, I can honestly say that none of his stories have ever really been translated to the screen with more than a shade of the terror and creepiness that they originally possessed. His tales are freaky because of the power of the imagination. Visually representing that kind of stuff makes it somehow less scary. Still, this was, and still is, probably the best screen adaptation of his work.

19. ‘The Changeling’ (1980)
Didn’t see this, and I’m not going to trash talk it, based on all the comments on IMDB. I’ll Netflix it and let you know what happens.

18. ‘28 Days Later’ (2002)
Easily a top ten. Probably one of the most terrifying movies I’ve ever seen, mostly because they do such a good job showing you the brink of human extinction. A world full of carnivorous monsters. The terror of human desperation. Good lord, such a grab bag of insanity in this film. So good.

17. ‘Jesus Camp’ (2006)
Ha ha. Although…yeah, come to think of it, this was pretty scary.

16. ‘Jacob’s Ladder’ (1990)
A friend and I saw this in the theater, when we were sophomores in high school. He drove us to the theater in his Plymouth Reliant K station wagon. It was pouring rain. Several times in the theater I jumped out of my seat in fear. On the way back, in the pouring rain, there was a town-wide power outage, and on the winding, narrow, two lane road through the creepy woods, all the streetlights were out. I thought we were going to die.

15. ‘Jaws’ (1975)
At the time it was made, this was a perfect movie. Fear of the unknown, fear of being mauled, mutilated, and eaten by a monster that really exists. Of course, years later, all us smart people know that the chances of being eaten by a shark are so remote as to defy possibility. And the chances of a New England town being terrorized by a giant, homicidal shark are roughly equal to the chances of Detroit winning a Super Bowl in our lifetime.

14. ‘The Exorcist’ (1973)
I went to college in Washington, D.C., and got to see the stairs Damien fell down in the movie every time we walked to this one bar. I think at the time we were all convinced that someone actually died on those stairs. I don’t know if that was true or if we made it up. Still, it was a scary movie.

13. ‘Quatermass and the Pit’ (1968)
I have nothing to say to this pick, other than whoever put this movie at #13 is probably the same asshole that put Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on this list.

12. ‘Cloverfield’ (2008)
Youthful hipsters who witness the destruction of the city at the hands of a giant monster, as seen through a Sony handicam, soundtrack by Kings of Leon. This is a movie for douchebags.

11. ‘The Shining’ (1980)
All work and no play makes Homer something something.
Go crazy?
DON’T MIND IF I DO!

10. ‘Audition’ (1999)
Another Japanese film thrown into the list to make us seem more culturally relevant.

9. ‘Halloween’ (1978)
Another film that suffers from all its sequels, but Jamie Lee is the ultimate scream queen, and Donald Pleasance is so bad he’s great. I don’t know about top ten, but whatever, this list lost whatever legitimacy it could’ve had around #48.

8. ‘Evil Dead II’ (1987)
Ha! Sam Raimi is King under the Mountain.

7. ‘Dawn of the Dead’ (1978)
Yes please. This was so much cooler than the remake. You gotta see the version with the full helicopter scene.

6. ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ (1978)
Surprised? Me too. But this is pretty effed up. No way it makes #6.

5. ‘Alien’ (1979)
Absolutely.

4. ‘The Ring’ (2002)
Definitely makes my top 20, but not sure I’d put it here. This is a movie that really only terrifies you once, but I recall that it terrified me more than anything that one time.

3. ‘Rec’ (2007)
See #10

2. ‘Ju-on’ (2000)
I have heard that this was pretty crazy. That’s Japan for you.

1. ‘The Thing’ (1982)
What the cheesy bearded eff is going on here!? This movie is scary, but it is not #1 of all time. No way. This is bush. I want my money back.

The equation that makes the blog world go around is X = Y, where X is “assholes” and Y is “opinions”. I guess I can’t get too mad at these gravel munchers, since I’m part of that world too. Call me misanthropic then…but screw you Boston Globe.