Stop-loss. Anyone who’s worked in retail has heard the term. It’s a dandied-up way of saying “fuck those little skate punks and meth addicts who want to steal nail polish and sell it on the street, we’re gonna stop ‘em.” It’s a philosophy that works when applied from the top down. The bigwigs decide on a zero tolerance policy, and cudgel it into the minimum wagers: Customer service is all well and good, but if the door alarm goes off, you’re a Navy SEAL.
It works. You know why? Boredom.
Picture it: Your mom drops you off in your red shirt and black pants, you jump out of the SUV, praying nobody sees your shameful exodus, and you duck into the drugstore, punch your timecard, and hope that you can erect your mantle of “I don’t care” before anyone sees your pathetic origin.
You’re ringing up cold medicine and incontinence pants, rocking the third shift on a wednesday, just hoping that Magic 106.7 is going to play some censored Diddy instead of fucking “Brandy” for the third time in a night.
Suddenly alarms ring out. Lights flash. A computerized voice orders some dumb bitch of a shoplifter to halt his or her progress out of the store and await the security detail which is, even now, descending on this hapless rube like youtube trolls on a lip-synch post.
Picture said rube, drunk off his ass, standing with his purchases, hapless as previously mentioned, unsure of what he’s done to warrant such a barrage of sound.
This is me…fucked up on martinis, desiring nothing more than a bag of Reese’s peanut putter cups and some dark Lindt chocolates, and having no idea why the goddam sirens are blaring.
Patted down…questioned…patted down again, questioned some more, and released, I felt like an inebriated Guantanamo resident. Except I got let go. Regardless, it wasn’t till later that I realized that Walgreen’s security is totally out of proportion to the kind of theft that could occur there.
Fuckers patted me down over Reese’s. I mean seriously.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Randi // Nov 26, 2008 at 5:08 am
Any time I set off the alarm in a store, I keep walking. I find pretending you don’t care/understand that it’s you setting off the alarm is a pretty good tactic.
Contrarily, I’ve needed the alarm to go off before (when the sales lady forgot to take a security ink tag off a white shirt the day before I was going to wear it to a wedding and the store closed by the time I made it home and figured this out) and never set off the alarm. So you never can tell.
2 Cutty // Nov 30, 2008 at 7:47 pm
That could only happen to you Jimmy.
3 Kristen // Dec 1, 2008 at 8:50 am
I’m with Randi on this one. Always continue to walk. They have no right to detain you in the store without a charge of some sort and then you can request that the police are present. I also think that they don’t want other customers to see someone being frisked and humiliated for fear of losing them as, well, customers. The chances of them continuing to come after you are pretty small.
That’s, again, my opinion. Talk to me when I’m being held at tazer point by some freaking 17 year old Walmart manager with a chip on his shoulder wanting to search my personal belongings. I might have another point of view then.
4 Jimmy Hoffa // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:34 am
In a rather flamboyant nod to A&M, did I mention the martinis were *apple cider* martinis?
5 magglio // Dec 3, 2008 at 2:58 am
damn it you guys are sexy
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