tellhimfred.com

Well, right now is about the time that all those west coast junk lovers are laughing their asses off at us right now. Over the past weekend, we got forty-seven inches of snow, which melted briefly, but has now frozen solid on every structure in the greater Boston area, and the MDC has lit a giant tire fire on the Rose Kennedy Greenway just to keep everyone warm, and hopefully thaw out the Garden before the next Celtics game.

Seriously. There are things that change in Boston, like people hating Brian Daubach, or Victor Kiam. We don’t have a giant ugly freeway in the middle of the city anymore, and nobody has a pocketful of T tokens jingling like poorly tuned doorbells. But some things never change, like Bucky Dent’s middle name, traffic on Storrow Drive in the rain, and the classic controversy about placing your dining room table in the spot you shoveled out on L street.

Anyone who lives here knows about the great debate which rages over this hot-button issue. For those of you six readers not from the area, let me break it down for you.

The Great Parking Spot Debate

“Savers” believe that once you’ve broken your back, sweated through your wool peacoat, and shoveled your car out of a spot on the public thoroughfare on which you live, that you should be able to save that spot while the snow remains on the ground, with all manner of entertaining objects, including the aforementioned dining room table, but not limited to: vacuum cleaners, wheelchairs, hatracks, folding metal chairs, large cement blocks stacked in a menacing fashion, plastic snowmen, trash cans full of rotting garbage, etc. Anyone removing said “space saver” and then parking in the saved spot is subject to having their car completely bashed in, pissed on, frozen solid with water, etc.

“Free parkers” believe that a parking spot is a parking spot, just because you shoveled it out doesn’t mean you own it, that the street is a public thoroughfare and your big rubber dog statue is going on the sidewalk, and if I catch you fucking up my car, so help me ya gonna pay big.

There is no shortage of chimers-in on both sides, and the arguments for and against each are numerous. Suffice it to say that Mayor Menino has sent some mixed messages on the subject, leading to an unsteady detente in the city. One year, he sent trash crews to pluck everything off the street that wasn’t a) a car or b) breathing. Another time, he said “i wanna harrf muckle widge, but murrfle grumb lubble cah speedin.” Touche, Mayor Menino. Touche.

This past Sunday, after the Patriots proved that the Arizona Cardinals can’t cross the Mississippi without losing all their powers, we walked over to the Prudential to finish our Chrismahannukah shopping. Not only did we need frequent rest-period-cum-booze breaks to deal with the holiday crowds, the weather really made the experience perfect. Sleet falling from the sky, 11 inches of snow already on the ground, lakes of slushy water being pushed around by men on John Deere tractors…have you ever seen fleets of green tractors in Boston? I have not.

Ach. Well whatevers. See you soon Fredders, have a safe and happy holiday, whatever it is you plan to celebrate. Or, alternately, if you don’t celebrate anything, have a nice day anyway. You godless heathen.