tellhimfred.com

- A couple days ago I read something by an ex-athlete who came out in support of juicing. His case - “athletes have only a few years to play so they should use everything possible to max that out.” The tragedy, of course, is that injuries take their toll on athletes, and that HGH and the cream-and-clear and whatnot help these poor, exploited soldiers to heal up and march on in the face of adversity. Yeah, sorry. Fuck that in the ear. Fuck A-Rod and all the other shitbags that juice. Wah, you’re only going to be able to make $68 million a year till you’re what, 36? Maybe guys like Ricky Henderson get a couple more years. Fuck you, guys: even if you make MLB League minimum ($390,000 in 2008) or even better, NFL league minimum ($285K - $820K depending on your year) you’re making more money than most Americans will see in several years. You’re being paid to play a game that has rules, and one of those rules is “no fucking drugs, asshole.” If you’re gonna break that one, you might as well cork your bats and poke peoples’ eyes out in scrum piles…oh wait. Forget I said that.

- I don’t give a crap about college basketball and I never will.

- John Smoltz and Brad Penny are going to kick some serious ass on the mound in Boston this year. Boston employs a top-notch rehab guy who has a program like no other in the league. Both guys are looking good already and we’re not even that deep into the spring program yet.

- Good-bye, Brett Favre. You’re like chick at the party who I got lucky with, but who won’t leave the next day. You got what you wanted from me, I got what I wanted from you, everyone’s happy, but for some reason you’re still sitting there on my couch, talking about “Charmed” or some shit. Then you left, but came back ten minutes later because you forgot your chap stick, and aap, alright, we can hit it again. Nice. OK, now you’re REALLY leaving, right? Cuz I need to order a pizza and watch the episodes of “Lost” I DVR-d.

- Fucking Boston hockey fans. Walking around North Station before a Bruins game, you can just sense it. Every other dude wearing black and gold…just wants to fuck and kill. Or kill and fuck. Whichever. Both. You went to high school with guys like these. They walked down the middle of the hallway, back straight, beady eyes straight ahead and they don’t move their shoulders for anyone, they’ll just smash right into you, then glare at you and say “WHAT? YOU WANNA GO?” Guys whose babysitters burned them with cigarettes, or whose moms had a biting problem. The problem, though isn’t the one guy. One guy you can punch in the throat and kick in the nuts when he falls over No, the problem is the four of his clones that can he can summon as an interrupt.  Whatever, just don’t get in their way, or you might find yourself dead, or violated. Or both. Whichever.

- Michael Phelps smoked some doob. I don’t really care, and secretly I don’t think anyone does either. Of course, if I’m Gerber, I don’t want a guy pitching my baby food whose face is all over the Enquirer with his phiz stuck in a tube full of Skunk #1, but whatever. Maybe he can get an endorsement deal with Phish or Doritos. Is this a hypocritical stance considering my reviling rant above? Is weed a performance-enhancing drug that gives Phelps an advantage in the competitive swimming events?

- Did anyone notice that the Pro Bowl happened? I was out at a bar, and glanced up at ESPN and noticed that the NFC had won. Oh hey, says me. They played the Pro Bowl. Is this game relevant in any way? Seems to me it’s just another chance for guys to get hurt in a game that has no bearing on anything. Let’s extend the preseason to eight games, and let’s turn the Pro Bowl into a three-round elimination tournament. Jebus.