tellhimfred.com

I’ll be turning 30 on March 16th, and the lady friend and I are headed to Vegas. Just the other day I took a look at my license and realized it is going to expire on my birthday. Uh-oh. Since we’ll be coming back here on the 16th, I’ll need to renew my license before they’ll allow me on a plane back to Boston.

And just like that, fredders, the stage is set for the lovely intergovernmental office dance that is required to do a license transaction with the RMV.

Day One- I go to the RMV web site and find the tab for "Online Transactions". Beautiful. I answer the requisite questions, fill in my license info, click submit…..then.

Error.

I get an error, so I try it again, and am actually sent to the next page, which allows me to fill in my payment information. I do that, click submit, and then…….

Error.

I send an email telling them that I’d entered my payment info and saw an error, and asked if the payment went through. My response:

The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles website has been experiencing technical difficulties. You may resubmit your transaction at any time.

MMkay. So I did just that. I entered the info, got a confirmation message and thought I was in good shape. Then I got another email:

The Requested License Renewal Transaction was not processed.
Please call the RMV’s Telephone Center for more information.

Fine. I call and am on hold for 45 minutes before talking to a person. She tells me I have to pay three things before I can renew my license:

1. Somerville Parking Ticket- $75.00- This is from when the lady friend was living in Somerville. She had given me her visitor parking pass to put in my windshield, and I did. I got a ticket for parking in a resident space even though the pass was in my windshield. But what can I do? Well, I paid it immediately. This was the easiest by far.

2. Boston Excise Tax, 2007- $183.00- I’d have no problem paying this if I actually LIVED IN BOSTON IN 2007. I mean, that makes no sense at all. I didn’t live there. The first woman gave me the number, so I called the number for excise tax and was told that they don’t actually accept payments and that I’d have to call another number. I asked ‘why would the RMV give me this number if you don’t actually do anything?’ She replied "The RMV doesn’t have the number for the company that processes payment". I asked "Can’t you just give them the number?" Finally I was told "Sir, the RMV cannot give out outside phone numbers. Have a nice day." Click.

I called the third number and was told that my car must have been "garaged" in Boston, which makes me responsible for excise tax. I said "Garaged? What does that even mean?" I was told "Sir, a garage is a place where you keep your car when you’re not driving it." Though I wasn’t really looking for a definition in general terms, I applaud her help. Despite my protest that I never lived in Boston in 2007, she just wasn’t having it. I paid. 

3. Revere Excise Tax 2007- So wait, I don’t get this. I got a new car in 2007, and have been paying everything on time. How could I have paid for 2008 and 2009 already without paying for 2007? I guess I just missed that?

Day Two- I head to the Collector’s Office at City Hall to find out about the excise tax I owe. After listening to a fascinating conversation about how Johnny’s Mom is in the hospital and how she can’t sell her house, the woman behind the glass finally decides to take time out of her social calendar to assist me. She tells me that I owe $282.02 for excise tax. Fine.

I take out my checkbook and she tells me that I have to use a money order. Wonderful. I head to my bank to get the cash, then hit the post office for the money order. Finally I go back to the Collector’s Office and wait another 10 minutes while the 70 year old women yap to each other about who is in the hospital, who died, etc. I was standing there by myself watching them eye me as if I was there disrupting their great grandma fun time.

I hand over the check, and life is finally good.

Day Three- I go back online to renew my license and get another error. I call again and wait 21 minutes before talking to a person. He tells me that the Somerville parking ticket was still on my record, and until I prove I’ve paid it, I cannot renew my license.

"Well," I said "I have the confirmation number right here."

"Oh, excellent. Then all you have to do is take that confirmation number with you to a branch, and you’ll be all set. I can’t do anything with that number, but if you go to a branch, they can help you." He replied.

Some Observations

Man, it must be bliss working for the government. There seem to be only 2 prerequisits for being a gvt employee

1. Complete incompetence and inability to recognize inefficiency
2. The ability to look angry and busy while not actually doing anything.

I can’t imagine working a job where doing nothing is expected, where inefficiency is rewarded, and trying is discouraged. My favorite thing is that they actually SHUT DOWN their web site a few hours each day. You can’t pay a ticket during the hours of 10am and 12:00pm. Isn’t that the entire point of having a website? It’s actually more difficult to turn the thing off for two hours than to keep it on!

The fact that my Somerville ticket is still on my record boggles my mind. The last gentleman I spoke with at the registry told me that it would take 24-48 hours for it to be removed.

If I were to design a perfectly worthless system, I don’t know if I’d be able to create something so bad that it takes two full days between payment processing and status updating. Unless there are scribes actually writing down the number of the transaction then handing that off to couriers that walk from Somerville to Boston, who then hand that number to a team of monkeys in a datacenter….unless that’s the process, I can’t see how you can possibly take that much time.

I’m not blaming the people working in the mindless beauracracy, it’s not all their fault. It’s definitely a problem of motivation. If you worked at the RMV, the Collector’s Office, etc., what motivation do you have to actually try? If you help 10 people instead of 5 per hour, what do you earn for that? The answer: nothing other than the other drones disdain for making them look bad. So it’s a why bother gig.

Bah.