tellhimfred.com

So as the world economy spirals into nightmarish chaos, we here at THF are pondering the big issues.

I, like many stupid Americans, am fascinated by countdowns. I think it’s our competitive spirit that draws us to this pappy trash – more than any other culture, I think Americans just want to see something beat something else in a contest of something. Even when it’s not really a contest - take the WWE for example. All but the rootinest, tootinest, gun-rack-havingest of us know that this shit is more heavily scripted than a Heidi and Spencer photo shoot, but that doesn’t stop record numbers of zipperheads from tuning in every week.

So it is with heavy heart that I, too must cast my lot in with the rest of the plebian hordes. No, I haven’t become a John Cena fan, but almost as bad. I sat through 5 hours of VH1’s “Top 100 One-Hit-Wonders of the 80s Countdown”. Not all in a row, but close enough – spaced out over the course of two days. I came away with several reflections.

1. Having a single charting hit in the 1980s is nothing to be proud of. There is absolutely no discernable reason why any one band had a lone hit single and any other given band did not have one. Almost every song on this countdown proves this fact.

2. Frank Stallone is the king of sad motherfuckers. His loyal subjects are all the 80s one-hitters who are still trying for success. Seriously Kajagoogoo? If it hasn’t happened by now…

3. Mark McGrath has reached epic levels of annoying douchery. If there were a chance I would ever encounter him on the street (which is well-nigh impossible because I’m relatively certain that AOL-TimeWarner stores him in the same vat of preservative jelly they keep Ryan Seacrest in) I would keep an ill-tempered monkey as a pet so as to maximize the chances that I could see him splattered with feces.

4. Anyone’s schtick, when heaped upon viewers in large enough quantities, becomes irritating. Even Judah Friedlander’s.

PS, I’m fairly certain Jaime Oliver is secretly the lead singer of The Streets.