tellhimfred.com

Hey Fredders. Long time no see.  I was reading email today, when an article title caught my eye: “21 Things Women Wish Men Knew”, on some MSN page or another.  I remember thinking as I clicked the link “maybe this is important information I and all of my male friends should have!  Perhaps I will become some kind of modern day Oracle at Delphi by reading and disseminating the information I discover!” A moment later I was reminded, “oh wait, this is the internet.”

Abstract: There are still women out there trying to convince us that it’s okay for them to be crazy.  It’s not.

The original article can be found here.

21 Things Women Wish Men Knew

1. Please listen to me. Not because what I’m about to say will rock your world, but because listening is a sign of respect that rocks my world.

Too bad women shoot themselves in the foot on this one time and time again. Men are generally willing to listen to you pretty much all the time, but start babbling insanely, and we check out. No amount of beej is going to make me tune into this week’s edition of “She Said This, Then I Said This, And Isn’t She A Bitch I Can’t Believe She Thinks She’s So Amazing”

2. Women speak a different dialect than men. For example, “I’m fine” means “I’m so not fine,” just as “No dessert for me” means “I’ll be polishing off yours.”

Bullshit. What? Are you fucking kidding me? Bullshit. I get the whole “not being fine when you say you’re fine” thing – everyone does that from time to time, but get the fuck away from my Bananas Foster. Since when did “speaks a different dialect” somehow translate to “is completely contradictory half the time”? This kind of thinking is just an excuse for irresponsible behavior.

3. Remember, PMS stands for “physical and mental stress.” So let me cry freely, behave irrationally, and eat your dessert. My mood swings are hormonal, not personal.

So…hang on. Are you saying you’re eating my dessert because you have PMS? Or because you “speak a different dialect”? Or is this another example of women just being generally contradictory and kind of nuts?

4. Manicures and pedicures are a woman’s gift to her man. I love looking pretty for you. The time to worry is when I stop going for them.

Do you really think we notice your fingernails and toenails? Manicures and pedicures are first and foremost a woman’s gift to herself – and everyone knows that other women are the ones checking this shit out on each other. We see your face, and your body. And how your body looks in your clothes. 

5. Always tell me when I look hot; never tell me when I don’t. And don’t forget: I need 20 compliments to offset one thoughtless remark.

If I tell you that you look hot all the time, one day when you’re honestly looking for my opinion on whether you look good and I say “yes” are you really going to believe me?

6. I remember the shirt you were wearing when you first said, “I love you.” The fact that you don’t makes me question whether you meant it.

The fact that this is something more than one woman believes just reinforces my belief that the “female experience” is mostly about being clinically insane.

7. I loved you long before I told you. Playing the long game is in a woman’s DNA. We don’t throw a Hail Mary in the first quarter. (And you thought we didn’t know football.)

What is this supposed to reveal to me? What do I carry away from this statement? If I fell in love with you (God help me) I probably also did not blurt it out right away. Guys are not generally any more or less weird about this than girls. And PS you don’t know football.

8. Of course you’re the best lover I’ve ever had. All others cease to exist when I fall in love.

Every guy knows they’re probably not the best lover a woman has ever had, and every guy knows not to ask that question. If he doesn’t, he deserves whatever answer he gets. All we care about is the fact that you seem happy to have us keep doing to you whatever it is you want us to do.

9. I’ll never tell you my true number. Never, never, never! Besides, see #8.

Thank God. Because then that would probably mean I’d have to do the same. And we’re all manwhores.

10. I read your horoscope every day.

That’s because you’re a nut bag.

11. I secretly delight when the maitre d’ slips up and calls us “Mr. and Mrs.”

That’s fine. I secretly delight when other guys check out your ass.

12. Yes, my girlfriend knows what we did last night. We share everything, including that.

That’s fine, all my guy friends know what we did last night. And my story was probably better.

13. Make me laugh and I’m happy. Laugh at yourself and I’m all yours.

How about I just laugh at you? See my responses to Nos. 1-12 above.

14. A little jealousy is good if (a) no kneecaps are broken and (b) you don’t cross-examine me to exhaustion. The right balance shows you care, and it’s even flattering.

Jealousy is never good. If you don’t give me a reason to be jealous, then I’m happy. If you do, you’re what’s known in the industry as an “ex-girlfriend”.

15. I don’t withhold sex to punish you. Sometimes I just need to be left alone but, at the same time, not left alone. And no, I can’t explain that.

See my response to #2. This is simply irresponsible, and sets a bad precedent.

16. You are irresistible: freshly showered, doing something sporty or strenuous, smiling, charming the old lady from the third floor, suited, reading the business section, DIY-ing…

This is not particularly helpful, unless it’s an exhaustive list. In which case, GFY.

17. “Do you want flowers?” kills the romantic gesture. Don’t ask, just do.

A useful piece of information that hopefully every human, male or female, above the age of 10 already knows instinctively: you never ask anyone if they want a gift – it spoils the concept of “gift”.

18. I’ll probably be late — because I’m preening for you. At least that’s how I reason. My reasoning skills are phenomenal!

If by “reasoning” you mean “making shit up to justify my insane behavior” then I agree. You’ll be late because you have poor time management skills.

19. If you cheat, I may not break up with you. But you’ll wish I had.

Eh. Fair enough. I’ll dump your ass before I cheat on you, though. Easier that way.

20. I once kissed a girl and liked the taste of her cherry ChapStick. No, I didn’t. That’s your fantasy. Sincerely sorry.

Really? What if that’s not my fantasy? Women seem to believe that all men have this fantasy, but that’s bullshit. If you believe they do, then you’ve been hanging out in the frathouse too long. There are plenty of guys in the world who have all sorts of different, interesting, imaginative fantasies. Also, please note: there are plenty of bisexual chicks, chicks that experimented in college, chicks that kiss other chicks for attention, etc. If it really was my fantasy, it’d be easy to fulfill. But in the end, I don’t give a shit if you once kissed a girl or not. Now, if you once gave Gene Simmons head while he was taking a shit, on the other hand…

21. I feel lucky to have you, and I hope you feel the same. You can’t have it all unless you have someone to share it with.

I think I speak for all men when I say this: If I saw these responses in an internet dating profile I would run the other way. If a woman told me these things at any point in a relationship, or I believed them to be true about the woman I was with, I would bail like a sailor in a leaky boat.