I’m thinking of starting a regular feature on THF, called “Bad Advice From the Internet”. The other I posted a ridiculous article about “What Women Wish Guys Knew” – a reminder that listening to advice found on the internet can easily have startlingly traumatic consequences. But let it never be said that equal time is not given here on Tellhimfred.

The website MadeMan sends out daily emails, which I find mildly entertaining from time to time, mostly for their “check out this cool gadget” column. It’s your typical Maxim/MANswers/FHM analog, nothing really to write home about. I keep their emails in my spam bin, but every now and then will scan through and read about beer-dispensing robots or bed pillows shaped like boobs. Today, however, their lead story was titled “The Secret to Sexual Charisma”. Of course, I had to read it, knowing it would be full of the same kind of great advice I’d found in the aforementioned MSN article.  After doing so, I was convinced that the editors of this website, if such creatures exist, must have decided to pare down the original title of the article for economy’s sake: “The Secret to Sexual Charisma With Slutty, College-Age Indie Rock Skanks of Below-Average Intellect”

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Look the part

So you’re eyeing up a hottie at your local watering hole (or airport). (Yes, there really is a link to an article about “how to pick up girls in airports”. Win.) No matter how great a catch you may be, if you’re dressed like a sweaty tourist, the only thing she’s gonna give you are directions out of the bar. So baggy jeans and a jersey are out… what’s a look that exudes that telegraphs to your target that you’re an experienced carpenter (ie you’re great at NAILING… heh heh)? (WHAAAT)

We’d suggest something confident and trendy (like a pair of skinny jeans) paired with something loud and borderline outrageous (like a wild colored button down and a pair of red shoes) with a touch of “asexual, sexual” flair (like some bracelets, a necklace or anything else that looks like it might’ve been pilfered from a woman after a night of steamy love making).

OK, I’m guessing that the writers of this oracular treatise are estimating their target audience at around the 17-22 age group, which, given what I know of the “hick skills of that talent pool, might be just the group to aim this bullshit gun at. Skinny jeans, outrageously colored shirt, red shoes and bracelets? I have a hard time, even today, believing that the stick-leg, amusingly flamboyant ladyboy look is a guaranteed chick-winner wherever you go. If it is, then something has gone horribly wrong and I don’t want to live anymore.

Smell like sex

What did you smell like after the last time you had sex? Sweaty, a bit nasty and a lot like her perfume. Thankfully, there’s a cologne on the market that can replicate that smell, called Morning After.

Wait, no, there isn’t. But there damn well should be. So if you can’t completely replicate that Morning After smell, you might as well come as close as humanly possible… when you’re getting ready to hit your pick-up spots, definitely take a shower but DON’T SHAMPOO YOUR HAIR. Just rinse it with water and add a smidgen of conditioner.  Get some unscented anti-perspirant because while you don’t want to smell like an air freshener but she’s not gonna give you the digits if your pits are dripping. Then make sure the shirt you’re rocking has been worn once or twice before. And then visit a female friend (or a Sephora) and get a spritz of her favorite perfume a couple times on your clothes.

If you do it right, this potent mixture of manly and feminine smells will be too hard for her to fight. And it’s damn cheaper than cologne.

Hi, ladies. I smell like a curious mixture of unclean laundry, faint b.o. and hair that hasn’t been washed, with a side order of last night’s skank. WHY ARE YOUR CLOTHES NOT FALLING OFF

I’m well aware that the right smell can be gold…but again, if this is what scientists have determined is the right combination, I’m going to go live on the moon.

Walk the walk

We can’t stress this enough… CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE! You know that when you open your mouth, you need confidence to bag the kitty. Your walk and posture and general physical demeanor before you talk to any potential one night stands is just as important, if not moreso.

Here’s a seemingly stupid tip that actually works — walk pelvis first. Don’t look like a fool and make sure you’re not sporting wood, but yes, really, walk pelvis first. When paired with confidence, a pelvis-first walk conveys the message that “This Guy Has A Lot of Sex.”

This section starts off with great promise: Confidence really IS the key to doing well with women. But then, in a move I can only assume was calculated by the writers to actually discourage their readers from scoring, thereby assuring more girls for themselves, encourage you to walk in an awkward, artificial gait - leading with your dick. Try it. Walk around the floor a few times. You look and feel like an idiot whose gait is totally contrived! Go purchase a gross of condoms! WHAT

Eye Contact

After your presence has piqued her interest, you gotta reel her in. First step is to make effective eye contact. Smile at her and look at her directly in the eyes. The trick now is a balancing act — you don’t want to be the first one to break eye contact but you can’t be a creepo who stares.

So make your eye contact, keep it and then do something to get her to break first. If you can make funny (but not ugly) faces, make a funny (but not ugly) face and then smile. More likely than not, she’ll blink and smile.

You could also wipe a corner of your mouth, indicating that she has a food smudge on her face, even if she doesn’t. If you can pull this one off with a straight face, this technique is a winner because you’re lowering her defenses on multiple levels — she’ll think you were looking at her because of the food smudge rather than because she’s a hot chick and that will briefly make her think you’re not interested in her. And as many pick up artists will tell you, the key to picking up women is to make them think you have zero interest in picking them up.

Let’s put this one into the “begins overly complicated, then just descends into weirdness” category. Look at her. DON’T LOOK AT HER. Then look away, THEN LOOK BACK. Make a face. SMILE. Blink twice. Then wipe your mouth. WIPE YOUR MOUTH. Chicks love talking to guys who have seen them with béarnaise sauce on their faces. Chicks ESPECIALLY love being duped into THINKING they had béarnaise sauce on their faces.

Approach

Okay, so you’ve got her hooked.

Which, if you’ve followed all the rules thus far I highly doubt, but I’m willing to suspend disbelief here.

Don’t just saunter up to her (pelvis first) and drop your best game. Turn away, briefly, pay for your drink, talk to a buddy of yours and count to three, and then turn back and if she’s no longer looking your way, head over.

Just enough time for her to forget you and your stinky, clown-like appearance and your weird eye-and-face games.

You want to catch her with her guard down and that requires that she stop sizing you up when you strike up a conversation. Like with all the other nonverbal techniques listed in this article, if you approach correctly, she won’t think, “God this guy is another cheesy dude trying to pick me up in a bar.” She’s going to think, “Man, I was just pulled into this stud’s sexual orbit. I might suck on his penis this evening.” And if you don’t blow it with the VERBAL stuff, that’s exactly how your fine evening will conclude.

The first chance they have at actually offering some sound advice – “make sure your approach doesn’t suck” – and then they fail to actually offer a way to do that.  So, big win there – and they wrap it up by throwing in the artfully timeless phrase, “suck on his penis”. Nothing but net.

I, for one, actually feel dumber and less sophisticated after having read this article, though I am fairly confident that little real damage has been done. It’d be like publishing an article on how to pull off a “perfect crime”. The kinds of folks who would put the terrible advice into effect are too stupid to know how to do any of it it anyway, and will probably just fuck it all up.

Till next time, Fredders, remember: believe only half of what you read, but none of what you read on the internet.